Golf Humor
We've Come a Long Way
Well, here it is 2055 already and we've
just hit the highlights of some of the best and
some of the worst things to come along in our great
game since Old Tom Morris was a pup. Each idea,
whether it proved to be good or bad, served to
further our sport in some way. Golf is an evolutionary
process and all of these events (and many more)
are predicted to play a significant role in the
development of not only golf
equipment but in everything
that the game touches. While some of these scenarios
may sound outlandish to you now, I can almost guarantee
you that by the time our sons, daughters and grandchildren
tee off in 2055 they will see some wacky stuff
come out of the trunks of their elevated cars.
Here a just a few examples of the state of golf
in 2055 with regard to golf equipment, golf
instruction,
golf courses, golf tournaments and golf
travel.
The golfer himself remains pretty much unchanged.
No matter what improvements are made to help the
weekend golfer lower his handicap it is the pros
who continue to take advantage of advances in technology.
After all, it's pretty hard to improve when
you have a real job and hardly any talent.
Golf Equipment
Taylor Made introduces its newest driver at the 2055 PGA Merchandise
Show in Orlando, FL during what is described as the beginning of
a new era in technological advances for golf equipment. This comes
on the heels of an almost unprecedented ten year lull in significant
equipment improvement, and culminating with the settlement of a
law suit with the USGA over equipment conforming standards. Without
providing any details of the settlement, the USGA announced its
decision to expand it's parameters to include the company's latest
entry into the equipment arena, Taylor Made's Anti-Fusion R700.
This model is the latest in the line of drivers
that debuted in the early 2000's with their
very popular R7 model which featured four titanium
weight screws which when interchanged in slots
located on the sole would affect ball flight patterns.
As we all know that model was the immensely successful
forerunner of later equipment developments that
soon expanded into tee and driver combinations
much similar to their present model. The driver
features an incredible 850 cc head made from depleted
uranium which when used with the titanium tee that
is included, promises to deliver even longer and
straighter shots. The secret we are told is the
magnetic field generated by the mini-reactor in
the clubface interacting with the titanium in the
tee that not only enables the player to swing this
monster but to deliver it to the ball at an incredible
200 mph club head speed. The shaft is made of golf's
newest and most secret of material formulations,
Spun Kevlar coated graphite. It is available in
stiff, stiffer or for real power swingers, their
0-Flex shaft. One other improvement in this latest
model includes the Anderson grip, which was introduced
by Golf Pride during the 2052 season and combines
the latest in magnetic technology with synthetic
leather made from the by -product of re-cycled
silicone breast implants. The club is moderately
priced at $4,000.00
Other products seen at the show:
Cleveland Golf unveils their latest hi-tech offering
with a set of irons called the Sonic-Six RB 22.
This version is a resurrection of a previous model
that had some design flaws and had to be pulled
from the market for further testing. (Although
not able to confirm rumors at press time, the word
on the street is that their sub-sonic club testing
caused dogs to go into frenzied barking at the
sounds produced by the club, inaudible to humans.
Imagine the serenity of your private club invaded
by the annoying sounds of packs of braying dogs!
The company assures us that the bugs have been
worked out and the product functions normally.)
Not a gimmick club! The concept involves a special
golf ball that has a tiny receiver inside that
when used with the Sonic clubs promises to deliver
the club head at the center of the sweet spot almost
every time. The irons, which are cavity backed
and perimeter weighted much like conventional clubs,
separate themselves from the rest of the pack by
emitting low frequency sub-sonic sound waves that
track the club's path as it approaches the
hitting area. If it looks like an off-center hit
is inevitable, the sound waves activate automatically,
increasing the waves to a level that act to physically
correct the club's position before impact.
The company refused to elaborate on the significance
of the RB 22 in the name but half the time we can't
figure out what these numbers are for anyway. We
suspect it is just another way for the club maker
to sound like it has found a secret formula. The
USGA is currently evaluating the club's conforming
standards and has said they will issue a statement
shortly. The company insists that years of R & D
on the model have been very costly and that having
the club declared illegal would be catastrophic
on their bottom line. Attorneys for both sides
have refused to comment but will say that the purchase
price of $10,000 for a set of 3 thru pitching wedge
puts the clubs at the lower end of the market for
such a technologically advanced golf club.
An upstart golf equipment company less than ten
years old introduces its latest model of utility
club to the public in a flashy way: Roughblaster
IV is featured on 10 hours of infomercials a day
on the Golf Channel in what promises to be a record
breaking amount of time and money spent on a product
launch. The company is so sure of its success that
it is offering an interesting guarantee. If you
are not 100% completely, absolutely and positively
convinced that this club will take a minimum of
5 strokes per round off your score the company
is insisting that you return the club at their
expense and accept on their behalf – you
guessed it – another Roughblaster! The company
insists that the shots hit on their infomercials
were hit by real hackers, not paid pros (wink,
wink) and that the club works and that only the
golfer can be blamed for any bad shots.
PGA Tour News
The USGA announces the site of the 2060 United
States Open, to be contested at the newly renovated
Alcatraz Golf & Country Club. Still intact
and floating around after the "big one" of '47,
formerly an island prison, a resort and later a
bird sanctuary, Alcatraz Golf & CC is a testy,
wind blown course of some 7,800 yards. Golf's
governing body sites security issues and transportation
problems as part of the reasons they selected the
site. It is a private club where each member commutes
to the island by individual jet transporters and
no one but members are allowed to stay overnight,
thus effectively keeping out the riff raff.
LPGA Tour News
Chairwoman of Augusta National Golf Club and Masters
Tournament Chairperson, Candy Johnson (Hootie's
favorite granddaughter) announces the sponsor line-up
for this year's Masters: sixty second spots each
hour of the telecast go to Midol, Victoria's Secret,
Max Factor and Clairol. Commercial time as usual
will be kept to a minimum so that the lady contestants
get as much air time as possible. The Par 3 Contest
will pair last year's champion, Cindy Woods, with
golf legend Si Ri Pack Park Pok and Maggie Burke,
daughter of the famous women's rights activist
that made the Masters what it is today. It is rumored
that a candlelight demonstration will take place
at the gates to the club prior to the opening round
by a group of men honoring the lives lost in the
great golf war of '35 which we all know marked
the year when men were banned from the competition.
In Hong Kong, Sandi Sorenstam (granddaughter of
Annika) announces her intention to play strictly
on the All-Asian LPGA Tour because "frankly,
that's where all the money is and they let your
Daddy be your caddy". Asked about the language
issue, Sorenstam responded by saying, "hey,
it never bothered them on our tour, why should
I let it bother me on theirs?
Golf Instruction
Butch Harmon's great grandson Spike introduces
the newest swing trainer, the Balance Buster. It
features two 20" strands of twisted copper
wire that when wrapped around the neck acts to
keep the head in position during the swing. The
twist here is that the wire never actually touches
your body; it hovers above the skin by some force
that interacts with your skin temperature which
then exerts an invisible pressure on your neck
muscles causing a temporary paralysis.
Golf Travel
Golf's newest vacation destination is The
Sea of Tranquility Golf & CC located in Craterville,
Moon USA. It is estimated to be the costliest golf
package ever at $1.5 million per person based on
double occupancy for a three night, two round package.
It includes round trip transfers via the Shuttle,
deluxe accommodations at the Lunar Hilton and two
rounds of golf on Pete Dye IV's newest gem.
New
Courses In Blythe, CA, site of the "new" Pebble
Beach Golf Links, owners announce completion of
the course will be by fall, 2060. After the "big
one" in 2047, it was feared that the coastline
was too unstable to build on, but seismologists
assure us that it is safe.
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