Golf Humor
A Day at EP G & CC
So, here it is, we call it the day our fantasy
foursome played the fictional (I hope) Emily Post
Golf & CC on a sunny Saturday in May. Described
as Par's Cure for Slow Play, or Golf Etiquette for
Dummies & the 10 Commandments of Proper Golf
Etiquette, it's a demonstration of respectful behavior
and common courtesy that might just resemble the
norm during a three hour round played in Heaven—at
the Pearly Gates Golf & CC naturally (where
you never lose a ball and where all the balls you
"misplaced" in your lifetime of golf are
returned to you in like-new condition on the first
tee). Instead of just writing down a bunch of boring
rules and regulations for proper golf etiquette
our goal was to actually demonstrate good form with
our fictional foursome. If you think it borders
on being outrageously corny or you have some additional
rules of etiquette you would like to share, by all
means let us know.
You Don't Change Your Shoes in the Parking
Lot
Emily Post Golf & CC is an unassuming club
that you could drive by and not notice unless you
had played there before. Located in a residential
neighborhood of large, tree filled lots and set
back from the street, the clubhouse is not visible
until you drive up a long, winding blacktop road
that is shaded by tall oaks. The whole effect is
pleasing and gives you the feeling of the old south.
Not quite Magnolia Lane, but close.
After arriving at the club, pleasant young men
greet our players at the bag drop and let them know
that there is a complimentary locker for each player
along with cool, mint-scented towels to freshen
up with. All this not because they are the guests
of the club secretary but because they treat every
guest in this fashion. Our players have arrived
at the course one hour before their starting time
so they have plenty of time to do all the things
they need to do without hurrying and having to rush
to the first tee. (I have witnessed what happens
when people do not allow themselves enough time
to do all the things they want to do at the course,
resulting in a one heck of a side –show of
frustration and anger before even teeing off). We
all know the type, the guys (or gals) who are always
late no matter what the occasion. Forgive the following
segue, but how many of us have seen this type of
situation, or a similar one, develop along these
nightmarish lines: Golf Rage?
Golf Rage 101
Joe gets in his car to go to the course (leaving
himself no margin for error) with a 25 minute drive
for a tee time that's in 45 minutes then remembers
not only is he out of gas but he has no cash and
has to hit the ATM as well. So, after waiting in
line for an old lady at the ATM who can't
remember her PIN number and the convenience store
clerk (his first day) that couldn't find the
gas pump switch, Joe is officially running late
and getting more agitated by the minute. This causes
him to put the pedal to the metal, endangering himself
and others and he ends up getting pulled over by
John Law. (I would love to see the statistics, if
anyone bothers to keep them, about how many tickets
are given out to golfers who get busted for speeding
because they are late for a tee time.) After a citation
and a lecture he is back on the road and now he
is really upset. (It's going to take a few
successful presses on the back nine to make up for
that fine!) Meanwhile, back at the course, his buddies
(after having called him on his cell phone) let
a foursome with a later tee time tee off in front
of them so as to wait for Joe and guess what? This
foursome (made up of golfing newbie's) subsequently
holds them up all day long. All because Joe couldn't
get his act together and leave early enough to take
care of business. Before anyone hits a shot, Joe
is upset and angry, his buddies are mad (and rightfully
so) and when they finally tee off their emotions
reek havoc resulting in a dead-on version of military
golf; left, right, left, right, etc. The idiots
in front of them couldn't play any slower
if they tried and, well, you get the picture.
If you ask me, Joe is guilty of a serious breach
of golf etiquette before even getting to the course,
that of inconsideration to his golfing friends.
This is a whole new subject that I have not heard
anyone speak of before and that may be worth exploring
in an addendum to our current ideology or even a
whole new golf manifesto - a completely new and
relevant set of golf etiquette guidelines that cover
behavior and situations connected to golf but that
occur before you even tee up a ball! For example:
How do the following situations affect your play?
"Golf Hooky" (calling in sick to play
golf), resulting in "Guilty Golf" (going
off to play when you know you should be doing something
else), fibbing about not playing to your spouse,
etc. How about all you golf widows out there, we
want to hear about it! And what about the worst
of all offenses, the ultimate in poor golf etiquette
committed from the comfort of a living room recliner:
calling in suspected rule infractions while watching
golf on TV!! (See Par's
9th Golf Commandment) Don't people ever feel
like idiots doing this?
Who Said That Golf Is Relaxing?
Golf is supposed to be a relaxing diversion. Under
the circumstances suffered by Joe on his way to
the course I doubt whether anyone would remotely
think to call this relaxation, especially after
you have seen some rather interesting displays of
temper. It may sound like an extreme case but my
point here is to demonstrate how frustration and
anger can disturb the harmony of a round of golf
and can act as a catalyst when things start to go
wrong on the course. Without it, one bad shot is
no big deal. With it, a bad shot triggers all sorts
of negative reactions which can ultimately result
in a spoiled round. It's sort of like using
gasoline to put out a fire, all it does is make
things that much worse. There may be a name for
this condition in a secret file somewhere, locked
up in the vaults of someone named Sigmund Freud
but it is probably not spoken of, sort of like not
uttering the S word out loud when you hit the ball
in a lateral direction. (In our group it's
a two stroke penalty to say that word where anyone
can hear it.) A round of golf should be treated
like the recreational ritual that it is and approached
in a calm and serene manner culminating with your
first tee shot. I like the way the Japanese play
golf in Japan. They allow a full day with a lunch
break, massage and steam bath between nines. Is
that a great idea or what?
So, anyway, we digress. Let's get back to
our foursome at EP Golf & CC. No golfers rage
or any other "outside agency" (distractions)
occurs here!
In fact, everyone at the course is as nice as can
be, from the locker room attendant to the starter.
The kid behind the counter in the pro shop has the
correct tee time for the group and actually smiles
when one of the guys cracks a (clean) joke. The
carts are spotless, well-maintained, fully charged
and arranged neatly behind the practice putting
green. The best news is that over at the snack shop
it doesn't require cashing in stock to get
a hot dog and a coke. Nor is there a wait for service.
Things are looking mighty good already.
After hitting a few practice balls on the well-tended
range, the group is called to the first tee, right
on time.
The Dreaded First Tee Gallery Is Absent
As our players roll up to the first tee, a longish
par 4 of 430 yards, all the other players scheduled
to tee off behind them keep a respectable distance
from the tee box. No queuing up right behind our
foursome to smirk, giggle, or roll their eyes at
the anticipation of less-than-perfectly-struck tee
shots. There are no eyeballs boring into their backs
with laserlike precision, making them think of everything
bad that can happen instead of focusing on the positive.
(How many times have you played through a slower
group and hit the worst shots of your life? The
only ones watching are your buddies and they already
know that you are capable of anything off the first
tee.) Our players are realistic with their games,
they do not automatically head for the back tees,
how often have you seen the guys that can't hit
it out of their shadow teeing off from the blues?
Boy, if there is any one thing out there that can
contribute mightily to slow play that is one of
them!
There are none of the usual distracting noises
made by others waiting impatiently for their turn
to tee off, including: the swoosh of practice swings,
flying turf, cooler lids slamming, coughing, golf
bag groping, zipper ripping, club banging, screeching
cart tires, laughter, loud bet talk, ball washing,
cart reverse beeping, stage whispering, ball bouncing,
cursing, cell phone ringing, stretching groans,
cup ice sloshing, water cooler splashing, ice rattling,
sandwich wrapper crackling, cigar smoke wafting
or any of the other annoying things that can remind
a player that there are others watching as they
attempt to hit the all-intimidating first tee shot.
Gamesmanship Takes a Holiday
As each golfer steps up to hit his drive there
are no comments from the other members of the foursome
pointing out the wind direction, out of bounds left,
or how high the rough down the right side is, etc.
Do they inhale or exhale during the backswing? There
is no one standing directly behind him nor is anyone
moving around just within peripheral vision of the
player teeing off. There is no movement from the
other players at all and no talking, humming or
grunting. (This applies to EVERY shot hit.) After
the ball is on its way there are choruses of "nice
ball" (thanks David Feherety) or at the worst
"that will work". (I can hear the needlers
amongst us are already crying foul at this sappy
approach to etiquette.)
With respect to St. Mulligan, even though two of
our foursome have hit less than stellar drives,
each player hits only one ball. (They had ample
time to warm up on the practice tee before their
round and see no reason to further delay things
by chasing after extra balls.) Local rules here
state that the group in front of you must be on
the green before you can tee off on the first hole
and our players willingly comply. The idea is sort
of like the stop light on the entrance ramp of the
freeway, put in to relieve congestion at peak times,
it kind of spaces things out a bit.
At this point we should mention that two of our
foursome are 12 handicap golfers while the other
two are solid 20's. What this means is that
there most likely will be some ugly swings made
with predictably bad results but the better players
know how to be patient and helpful without holding
up play. They help each other look for lost balls
and even offer a tip or two that doesn't require
a lesson in the middle of the fairway. (Is there
anything more annoying than some hacker giving a
lesson to a player who is obviously struggling?
While you wait on the tee they are oblivious to
everything but showing this poor chump how it's
done. Then THEY turn around and shank their next
shot!)
They're off!
Our foursome wastes no time hanging around the
tee box laughing and talking about who will win
or lose the insignificant wagers that were made
while waiting to tee off and quickly make their
way back to the carts, anxious to begin the round.
As they start out on the first hole the two carts
quickly scatter, one to the right, one down the
left side of the fairway which is bordered by a
creek bed marked as a hazard. (Emily Post Golf &
CC does not restrict carts to the paths, thank God!)
One of our players has wound up in the hazard and
without taking any more time than a quick glance
over the creek bank he takes a drop (one shot penalty
under local rules) and plays his next shot toward
the green. It's worth mentioning here that the player
knew about the hazard before hitting his tee shot
and having had the experience of pulling the first
few shots of a round before he gets warmed up—he
had hit a less–than- perfect ball. (I do this
myself when faced with a water hazard on the right
side of a hole, especially from the tee.) What is
amazing to us and our point here is why so many
people waste so much time looking for a ball that
they were willing to sacrifice to the water gods
in the first place. They take the full five minutes
allowed (and more) to look for a ball that isn't
worth the effort. Some that I have seen are in such
sad condition that they wouldn't even be used on
the crummiest driving range known to man.
Ready Golf
We could write a whole chapter on this subject
as it is a bit controversial. On TV you see the
pros standing in the fairway look at each other
with a raised eyebrow or a shrug of the shoulder
to ask who is away. When in doubt an official makes
the call. There are penalties for hitting out of
turn in professionally sanctioned events so it is
wise for them to be careful and a lot of money is
on the line. Once you are given permission by a
competitor it is then ok to hit out of turn, such
as when your playing partner is searching for a
lost ball or is taking a potty break. But in amateur
golf, the Saturday foursome for example, one of
the other villains that can slow up play for everyone
is the person that is not ready to play when it
is his or her turn. There is Joe again, always clueless
when it is his shot, fumbling around with his cell
phone, eating a sandwich, carefully nipping a cigar,
etc.
The guys in our fantasy foursome play ready golf—that
is, when they are ready to play, they hit the shot,
regardless of who is "away" as long as
there is no danger to fellow golfers, keeping play
moving along and using the honors (away) method
usually on the greens.
Basic Cart Etiquette
This experienced foursome wouldn't be caught
dead running a cart up on a tee box, driving it
into the woods or desert, parking it near a green
while marking their scores while other players are
waiting to hit their approaches, or parking them
on the opposite side of the path to the next hole
while running across the hole causing further delay.
In the fairway, the driver goes directly to his
cart partners ball or his own whichever is furthest
from the green. Once there, he drops off the player
with his choice of club then proceeds to his ball.
After hitting his shot he then goes to pick up his
cart buddy who after hitting his shot proceeds to
walk in the direction of the ball he just hit and
the cart guy picks him up. The cart driver maintains
a safe speed, no abrupt turns, all limbs safely
tucked inside and proceed generally in a forward
direction, avoiding steep banks that could cause
them to turn over. When stopping, they exert even
brake pressure so that there is no skidding of tires
or screeching of brakes. Have you ever stood on
a tee box and watched a bunch of idiots on the fairway
circling their carts like the Conestoga wagons must
have done in the old days to protect themselves
from the bad guys? However, there aren't any
bad guys out here and why they have to go back and
forth, round and round is anyone's guess.
You stand there and wonder, just what the heck are
they doing?
This Is A Special Place For Sure
By the ninth hole it has become fairly obvious
to our intrepid foursome that they are in a special
place. Not once have they witnessed anything even
resembling poor golf course etiquette. Our players
have kept up their usual brisk pace and even though
there is no one pressing them from behind they continue
to practice ready golf. No one has hit into them
or attempted to play through. Of course the membership
at EP G & CC is not made up of your basic normal
golfers. Each one has to pass a written test in
golf course etiquette and make no less than 100%.
If they fail the test they are formally "uninvited"
to join the club and have to move out of the neighborhood
lest they be overcome with shame. A tough standard
you say? Yes, but they are more aware than anyone
of the rules to live by and do so with a special
pride. People here wouldn't DREAM of hitting into
a group in front of them and would be APPALLED if
someone did it to them. Even the maintenance crew
is behaving themselves and keeping a respectful
distance, shutting down their mowers when the group
approaches even though they are under the gun to
prepare the course for the US Women's Open.
At the turn our players have time for a light snack
without taking themselves out of position. Here
at EP Golf & CC, there is no potential for trouble
but the tenth tee at a public course is an interesting
place to people watch. A foursome who makes the
turn and does not: a) have to go to the parking
lot for shoes or other clubs, b) have to make a
pit stop and chat with people along the way, c)
make a half-dozen phone call to their wife, broker,
mistress, etc., or d) demand every item on the snack
shack menu that has to be cooked to order, will
pass a foursome that is busy doing one of the above
and try to tee off before the other guys notices.
It hardly ever works and when one cart or both of
the other foursome gets to the tee box all hell
can break loose.
It is a busy Saturday at EP G & CC so everyone
is conscious of not disturbing the flow. Golf
courses are like freeways, the gapers who slow
down to peek at the poor unfortunates who have been
forced to pull over cause the road to resemble a
creeping caterpillar, all bunched up in the middle
and just about stopped at the end. No one has to
run back to the car for a club they forgot or a
different pair of shoes or take a "quick"
shower. No phone calls are important enough to keep
their friends waiting. They are not hurried but
don't waste any time making their way to the tenth
hole.
A Look Back At The First Nine Highlights
There were a few holes where one or more of our
players got into a spot of trouble and carded a
snowman (8) on one hole and 7 on another but they
generally know when to put it in their pocket. Generally,
8 shots is the upper limit for these guys, what
is the point after that? This isn't the US
Open! Nobody in the group has an ego big enough
to demand that they finish the hole, "no matter
how high the score". None of these guys will
ever hit a 2nd ball after making a bad pass at the
first shot, that is considered bad form, old chap!,
especially if there are other golfers waiting to
hit up. It's like letting someone cut into
the line at the movie, good for your group but bad
for those waiting behind you.
Is There a Doctor in the House?
There is an automatic two stroke penalty for use
of cell phones, (no one in our group is a doctor
and that is the ONLY excuse) whining is frowned
upon and no one ever picks up a ball that is not
theirs, even if there is no one within miles of
the ball. The rule is: "if it ain't yours,
don't touch it!" (See Par's
2nd golf commandment: Thou shalt not pick up
lost balls before they stop rolling.) Each of our
players will take one practice swing before sending
the ball on its way. Remember how Sergio used to
drive us all nuts with his re-gripping, waggling
nightmare of a pre-shot routine? All you accomplish
with this type of routine is to make others want
to kill you (no jury would ever convict), create
tension in your muscles, usually resulting in a
bad swing anyway. The guys all know what that mixture
of sand and seed on the cart is for and use it to
fill in their divots and all bunkers are raked perfectly—just
like they would like them to be when they got in
them.
Rub ‘o the Green
Once on the green our players do revert to the
honor system as in whoever is farthest away from
the hole putts first. Players do not stand behind
the person putting so as to see the line of a similar
putt. If they are standing off to the side in view
of the person putting they stand still and do not
move in anticipation of the putting stroke. There
is no talking or movement that will distract the
player. Comments like: "there is a lot of meat
left on that bone" or "the next one is
good" or "nice putt Alice" or any
other derogatory comments made before, during or
after the putt is struck are unwelcome. Players
are careful to not walk in the anticipated line
of other players putts and will tend the pin in
the correct manner if asked. They do not mark their
ball with a "sewer lid" or with any coin
larger than a dime and especially not a tee. After
all putts are holed they are careful to replace
the pin securely and leave by the path that gets
them directly to the next hole. One of our players
starts to hit a practice putt but notices another
group waiting to hit up and picks up his ball. Scores
are marked on the next tee, not the green they just
left for the same reason—as a courtesy to
those behind them.
We Are Not Alone
Needless to say there are many things that can
be interpreted as something that would be discourteous
to your fellow players but it's not as complicated
as it may sound. As our players are guests of the
EP G & CC they are particularly aware that there
are others out there. They are conscious of their
position on each hole at all times without stressing
over it, rushing their shots and are diligent about
keeping up with the group in front of them. This
should be the case with any course they play.
Generally, if you are on the tee and the hole
is open in front of you, you are out of position
and need to pick up the pace. Help each other look
for balls, rake traps and put it in your pocket
if you are out of the hole. We know you pay good
money to play golf nowadays but there are certain
responsibilities that come with being a player.
Ownership does not come with greens fees and you
shouldn't get the idea that you "own"
every hole you play. You only have the right to
be there if you act according to the rules set down
to protect you and others in the pursuit of an enjoyable
round of golf.
The End
Our players come down the eighteenth hole at a
three and one half hour pace, just as it should
be. They have not hurried their shots and have enjoyed
some of their best golf. No one has gotten angry
or frustrated. Any and all contact with other players
has been cordial and ultra friendly. What more could
a golfer ask for?
Now the last bit of courtesy has nothing to do
with the pace of play and everything to do with
regard to that special set of proper golf etiquette
tips that we discussed earlier, those that don't
necessarily occur on the course. Consider the guys
who work so hard to keep your clubs clean and ready
for your next round. The same guys who huff your
clubs to the bag drop while you are in the clubhouse
enjoying a cocktail. Whenever there is outside service
staff working don't bypass them by going overland
to get to the parking lot just so you can dump your
clubs in the trunk and avoid tipping them—that's
just tacky. And being a cheapo is another form of
lousy golf etiquette too!
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