Golf Humor
Par's Cure for Slow Play, or
Golf Etiquette for Dummies & the 10 Commandments
of Proper Golf Etiquette
A Golf Manifesto
Our wonderful game is in jeopardy of falling victim
to a significant increase in the dreaded condition
known as "slow play". The five hour round
is the national average and that is way to long
to play 18 regulation holes. Something must be done.
Therefore, these words are put forth to help perpetuate
the awareness of proper golf etiquette and to exploit
the cause and effect relationship that offenses
in etiquette have on the pace of play. We will prove
here without a shadow of a doubt that by practicing
proper behavior on the links, the curse of bad etiquette,
slow play, can be, if not eliminated, at least kept
in check.
With all of the new players entering the game,
slow play could easily become even more of an epidemic
than it already is if allowed to proceed at the
present rate. We urge new players as well as veterans
to welcome the responsibility of learning and accepting
the rules of proper etiquette as well as learning
the game itself. Swing
mechanics and getting the ball in the hole are
only part of the game. A movement must be launched
and we advocate education on a global scale. Consider
Par's Idea of the Century: Let's make slow play
politically incorrect. That way we will
be guaranteed a three and a half hour round almost
every time! Club members found guilty of fostering
slow play would be forced by the media and their
peers to resign in shame. Public golfers would be
set upon by packs of screaming do-gooders who would
picket golf course parking lots and throw fertilizer
onto the logoed shirt of any golfer suspected of
poor etiquette. In political correctness circles,
awareness rules!
At this crucial time in our golfing lives it has
become politically incorrect to enforce the few
rules in place that were enacted to keep play moving.
Just try to imagine being in the Footjoys of the
poor rules guy telling a PGA
Pro he is on the clock, or worse, being assessed
a two stroke penalty for getting behind! You might
as well try telling God that his commandments should
be ignored in favor of a modernized translation,
softening the tone of "thou shalt not kill";
you would get the same blank stare. Constitutional
amendments should be written and passed into law
because after all, the rules of etiquette are "toothless";
there are no penalties in the amateur ranks for
breaking them. Who is going to abide by rules if
there are no repercussions? Think of our highways
without our boys in blue to enforce the speed limit,
can you imagine the slaughter?!
The TV networks need to contribute to the cause
as well. They have a responsibility to point out
that what the Pro's do during a PGA Tour Event should
not necessarily be attempted during your Saturday
morning Nassau. When the pro plumb bobs a putt,
looks at it from every angle, steps off the distance,
marks his spot with a wave of the putterhead
over an imaginary line, spends 45 seconds in a pre-shot
routine, etc, Lanny Wadkins or somebody needs to
say "Don't try this at home folks".
Sound far-fetched? Maybe, maybe not. We all know
that golf etiquette is a touchy subject with most
golfers because they think they already know everything
needed to know about what is considered "correct"
behavior on the course. Those guidelines were written
for other people anyway. Thankfully, most golfers
we know are pretty conscientious about how they
conduct themselves on the links and go out of their
way to maintain a good pace because, let's face
it folks, poor golf etiquette is the leading cause
of slow play. It is also the underlying reason why,
when a round of golf has all the elements of being
a relaxing outing with your friends, it turns instead
into a good walk (ride) spoiled. I can think of
nothing else in the game that can single-handedly
manage to turn a pleasant day of golf into the round
from hell. The good news is: we can make this situation
a lot better just by focusing on doing the right
thing ourselves; lead by example is my motto.
Somebody Take Some Responsibility—Please
When we are out driving our car it's always the
other guy that cuts us off at the intersection
and on the course it's the other foursome
who is responsible for the slow pace of play that
drives us all nuts. When it comes to honestly evaluating
our own shortcomings on the subject of driving or
our behavior on the links we all tend to ignore
or lightly dismiss anything we have done that could
possibly be considered a faux paus behind the wheel
or on the course. Without pointing our fingers at
any particular personality type or group we need
to keep educating ourselves as to what is acceptable
behavior and what is not. (We used the bad driver
analogy to make a point, however, that is not a
subject we wish to discuss further here - one issue
at a time please!) The hope is that someday, maybe
enough people will pay attention to our cause so
that we can make some progress with this problem—everyone
is entitled to enjoy the game without having to
wait on every shot. With that in mind, this is written
for those other people out there (you know
who you are) that are the ones causing all the problems.
It's a group of individuals that is difficult to
identify because if it isn't me and it isn't you,
just who is it that ran the light in front of us
yesterday or kept us out on the course last Saturday
for almost six lousy hours?
In golf, the idea that there is a certain type
of behavior that should come naturally (versus learned)
to good mannered and courteous folks like you and
me is a concept that conflicts with what actually
takes place on the course sometimes. There are a
certain few selfish morons who ruin the game for
everyone by not caring about anyone but themselves,
whether it's on the course, on the road, or anywhere
else. This is obviously a small group of individuals
who just don't seem to get it – and it' high
time somebody calls them to task. Don't be a BEE
("bad etiquette enabler"), regardless
of the relationship with that person, the next time
you see them demonstrate bad form on the course
– call them on it! (There are, of course,
exceptions to this suggestion: your boss, your wife,
rich uncle, somebody bigger than you, etc.)
The 90/10 Rule
Is it just me or does anyone else happen to agree
that proper golf course etiquette is 90% a result
of plain old common courtesy and only 10% of issues
directly related to behavior or situations you find
on the golf course? From what I have seen in my
thirty plus years of playing a few more of us could
stand some lessons in courtesy before we talk to
a pro about lessons
on golf. I have another theory on why that is and
it has to do with our hurried pace of life (more
on that later).
It has been said many times that you can tell a
lot about a person by playing 18 holes of golf with
them and it is so true; how do they react
when they hit a bad shot? Do they calmly take it
in stride with a shrug of their shoulders and try
to do better on the next one or go ballistic and
do their "helicopter" impression with
a club? Are they fussy? Always moving around, fooling
with their equipment while another player is attempting
to hit, do they take waggles and practice swings
to extremes? Do they overstate their ability, then
chop it around like Harry the Hacker? Do they talk,
or worse, whisper, within earshot of another player?
Do they take calls on their cell phone, or even
more annoying, make calls during a round?
Do they cheat by shaving their score or use the
"foot" mashie when they think no one is
looking? If they do these things or any of the other
thousands of gaffes that can drive the etiquettely-correct
golfer mad, chances are they do not exhibit much
in the way of common courtesy in their everyday
life either.
Give ‘em a Break
Most of the time I like to give people the benefit
of the doubt, especially people I don't know
very well. But if someone tells me that "Joe
never acts like that off the course" and I
just witnessed his terrible tantrums on the back
nine–forget it! He probably beats his dog
and his kids live at CPS! And I don't totally
buy into the theory that new golfers should be excused.
For some innocent things like stepping on a putting
line or leaving a cart 200 yards from the next tee,
yes, but throwing clubs, shaving their score, damaging
the course or driving a cart onto a green is the
mark of a moron, new to golf or not! New players
need guidance from us vets, because for some reason
even the most simple of tasks need to be explained,
for example: new players can't keep their
hands off the pin. Why they feel the need to "embrace"
the pin is beyond comprehension but my theory is
that they think it is the easiest way to "help"
you with your game. They want to pull it when you
are off the green and tend it when you are five
feet away. Using your best politically correct manner,
explain to them why this is wrong.
They can't seem to get the hang of how to
drive a cart. They may have been driving a car for
years but a golf cart is a new animal entirely.
Would they drive their car on a 45 degree slope,
or into a lake? Would they kick it or hit it with
clubs if they were upset about something? I don't
think so! New players are a welcome addition to
the game; we need them to perpetuate the sport.
Help them out; don't just roll your eyes at
their weird behavior. When they do something that
is obviously a no-no, calmly explain to them why
this just isn't done. If they do it again,
then you have a problem, however, the good news
is that you have just identified the chronic golf
moron and have every right to avoid a game with
that person. It's not only a right but should
be considered a responsibility! They should be tagged
in the ear with those things they use to track animals
in the wild and then restricted to courses with
like-minded individuals.
To Serve and Protect
The rules of golf etiquette were written to protect
us from ourselves, to speed up the pace of play
(which in this country is shameful) and to protect
our golf
courses. From the crowded streets of our cities
to the hills of our courses we are seeing an incredible
amount of anger resulting in the all-too-familiar
hand gesture out the car window or the total lack
of courtesy to others on the course. Whatever happened
to the golden rule? Yes, I heard the one about "Do
unto others before they do it to you first"
but that's not the one I am talking about. We are
not alone, folks—there are others out there
who are deserving of our respect via courteous behavior
and if not for the total stranger who is playing
behind you, then do it for the guys in your foursome
and yourself—because it is the right thing
to do.
It Can Happen Anytime, Anywhere
Nearly every time we tee it up these days we see
flagrant examples of poor golf etiquette. It doesn't
seem to matter if we are playing on a high-end course,
a resort track or the local muni. It happens on
any given day and can be committed by any skill
level. Most etiquette infractions are benign, maddening
to be sure, resulting in a back- up of play, for
example: mulligans, giving a lesson in the fairway,
not being ready to hit when it's your turn,
etc. There are other forms of less-benign behavior
that can have much worse results than just holding
up play, such as: swearing at the top of your lungs,
throwing a club, fighting, driving a cart like a
maniac, etc. Unfortunately bad etiquette is not
limited to those new at the game; frustration can
be common theme no matter how long you have been
playing. It's the mark of a level-headed player
that can recover from a bad shot with grace and
style.
We Decided To Do Something
One day we played a resort course where it took
a particularly grueling six hours to play a round
where we were forced to wait on almost every shot.
After more than a few beers in the clubhouse where
we collapsed in exhaustion after play, the members
of my regular foursome and I put our heads together
and decided to write a fantasy
account of the perfect round of golf—not
a round where every shot was perfect, but a round
that clearly demonstrated how every act
was perfect. Now, from a practical standpoint, we
know that this is just about as possible as eliminating
the drug problem or any other complicated social
issue, just like it's impossible to drive to work
on any given day and not see some act of lunacy
from another driver. But if you don't at least try
to do something about this yourself, no matter how
insignificant, you are in danger of becoming fossilized
in your tracks someday. Consider it a war of attrition,
just keep chipping away at a problem until someone
takes notice and decides to turn it into a cause.
We tried to think of every scenario that we have
encountered in our golfing lives that could be considered
an inappropriate thing to do on the course, (each
of which will contribute to causing slow play) because
a) it might harm you or someone else; b) it might
be damaging to the course; or c) it might just be
downright rude or discourteous. Now, I don't want
you to get the idea that we are all angels. A couple
of us have been known to exhibit a temper from time
to time, usually as a result of a bad swing but
it does not affect others on the course or the course
itself and is usually followed by a sheepish apology.
We also have been playing together long enough so
that there is a lot of good-natured needling going
on. However, these little digs are never meant to
wound or indignify, never spoken in anger, never
during a person's swing and we know when to just
shut up. If Joe is having a bad day with a certain
aspect of his swing, no matter how hilarious it
would be for us to verbalize it, we don't go there.
Continued:
A Day at Emily Post
Golf & Country Club >
The
10 Commandments of Proper Golf Etiquette >
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